I am reminded of a quote attributed to David Duchovny, an actor and star of The X-Files. He says, “The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be – and when they’re not, we cry.”
I am reminded of Duchovny’s quote as I prepare for a trip back home to visit family and friends after a sustained absence from Canada while my husband and I waited for our papers to be processed for U.S. immigration. I have been feeling rejected and despondent because of the lack of response from my family.
I sent an email to my brothers and sister letting them know I would be back in the city and asked if they would like to get together. I received a response from one of my siblings; my oldest brother sent a kind and loving message letting me know that he would love to see me. He has always been this way: responsive and kind. The other three? Crickets. Now one brother is a Luddite, so it is possible he hasn’t even checked his emails. The other two, well, I wasn’t surprised, but I was disappointed.
This is where the quote from Duchovny comes in. I do know my family very well and, yet I want them to behave in a way that fulfills my expectations of how a loving family acts. I knew exactly who would get back to me and who would ignore the message and yet I still felt disappointed.
I can’t control their behavior, but I can control my response and my expectations.
It’s not a lot different in business either. Get to know a person or an organization and trust them to be whom they are. What is their reputation? Reputation is a backward glance of behaviors and actions that can accurately predict what we can expect in the future, yet too often we base our expectations on what we want. I don’t go to McDonalds and expect filet mignon… and I’ve never been disappointed.
I wish I could say that writing this has been completely cathartic and I’m OK with the lack of response from my family, but I still need to work on my expectations. Ah well, I’m happy to say my friends are as excited to see me, as I am to see them. Control what you can in life and let the rest go. Like many platitudes, easy to say, harder to do.
Have you had an experience that didn’t surprise you yet you were disappointed? I’d love to hear from you.
More trust means more success at work and in our personal relationships. I can help build the trust in your organization. If it’s your time to tackle this difficult issue, I’m here to help. Get in touch.